BlameBush!

Supreme Court Strikes Down Second-Amendment!

"YA'LL GET TO KEEP YER GUNZ! THE GUBMENT AINT GONNA TAKE YER GUNZ AWAY!  YEEEEEHAW!!! HOORAY FER GUNZ!"   

That was the ruling handed down today by the most extreme right-wing SCOTUS in recent history. It's hard to believe this is the same court that just two days ago brilliantly declared it "cruel and unusual" to execute someone who rapes little kids. Yet all but the most enlightened progressives on the bench agreed that ordinary citizens somehow have a "Constitutional Right" to possess handguns.

The fascist court's frightening decision struck down a Washington, DC law that totally prohibited the possession of handguns by those who, for some reason, weren't discouraged by all the permits, licenses, background checks, and fees. Despite all the bureaucratic roadblocks, guns were somehow still falling into the hands of law-abiding citizens.

When the new ban was put into effect, the amount of people murdered by law-abiding citizens dropped dramatically. Now, law enforcement agencies in high-crime areas will have no choice but to focus their efforts on confiscating weapons only from those who acquire them illegally - leaving such individuals totally defenseless and at the mercy of their enemies.

So in effect, Bush's Supreme Court declared it "open season" on inner-city Latino militias today, the same militias that the so-called "Second Amendment" was written to protect.

If Tony Scalia would stop listening to Rush Limbaugh and go to college, he would've known that.

Lack of Evidence that Cheney Committed a Crime is Proof of His Guilt

Former White House Press Secretary and author of What Happened: Inside the Bush White House and Washington's Culture of Deception testified before a House Judiciary Committee today that while he doubts PeeResident Shrubya ordered the leak of super-duper, top secret, CIA coffee-swizzler Valerie Plame's identity, he couldn't totally exonerate Vice PeeResident Dick "HalliKKKburton" Cheney. Nor could he completely exonerate Cheney for the Great Chicago Fire, either. However, the total lack of evidence that Cheney started the Great Chicago Fire, along with his failure to confess to the heinous crime, is just another example of this very secretive administration's refusal to be forthcoming and honest with the American People.

"I do not know whether a crime was committed by any of the administration officials who revealed Valerie Plame's identity to reporters," Scott McClellan told the shocked Congressional panel while he personally signed copies of his bestselling book, What Happened: Inside the Bush White House and Washington's Culture of Deception. "Nor do I know if there was an attempt by any person or persons to engage in a cover-up during the investigation. I do not think the president had any knowledge of the revelation of Valerie Plame Wilson's identity. In terms of the vice president, I do not know."

Congressman Robert Wexler (D-FL) vowed to leave no taxpayer dollar unspent to find out what else Scott McClellan doesn't know and, if necessary, launch impeachment proceedings against Dick Cheney for any other crimes that there's a suspicious lack of evidence he committed.

Obama Credits GOP for OBL's Escape

Future President Barack Henry Obama declared this week that Osama Bin Laden is free because of the Republicans...but let's not start showering them with praise just yet. I'm pretty sure they intended to kill him.

As anyone held unjustly at Gitmo or Abu Ghraib can tell you, these warmongering neocon Bushies know nothing about the concept of "innocent until proven guilty". Instead of arresting Bin Laden, reading him his rights, providing him with a court-appointed defense attorney, then releasing him on bail so he could prepare his civil lawsuit against the Bush Administration, it was their full intention to hunt Bin Laden down like an animal and execute him. It was only by pure luck, not the help of the GOP, that the so-called "terrorist" was able to slip out of the U.S. military's murderous grasp.

I admire Obama for attempting to raise the current level of political discourse by offering his opponents a friendly compliment, but make no mistake - the Republicans are under the misguided belief that the 9/11 attacks were not just a felony misdemeanor, but an act of WAR. Given the chance, they would have killed Bin Laden in complete defiance of Barack Obama, John Kerry, and everything Democrats stand for.

McCain: Too Old to Lead?

Sen. Kerry probably got himself crossed-off of John McCain's VP short list for calling him "confused" - 37 years after he called him a war criminal who burned cattle and raped villages in a fashion reminiscent of Jingus Khan. But if McSame's assertion that reducing troop casualties in Iraq is more important than a timetable for retreat is any indication of his mental state, he's more senile than Ronald Raygun ever was.

One wonders whether McSame is simply too much of a geezer to be the leader of the free world. Let's face it - the Presidency is no job for old men.  A good commander-in-chief must possess the strength and stamina to wake up every morning and do 300 sit ups, jog about 15 miles, stop and do another 700 sit-ups, bench press 500 pounds, jog another 20 miles uphill and backwards, followed by 1600 squat thrusts and 2000 push-ups with a shetland pony strapped to his back, swim 20 laps in the White House pool without surfacing, tow a tractor trailer 30 yards with his teeth, drop and do another 7000 push-ups, and then, with the stroke of a pen, raise taxes and flee Iraq.

Obama may smoke like a chimney, but I know that aside from all that physical exertion he's totally up to the job. McCain, on the other hand, can't even move his arms above shoulder level. That's because while Obama was growing up on the mean streets of Honolulu, McCain was lounging around a hotel in Hanoi.

Obama's No America-Hating Liberal (But Vote for Him Anyway)

First it was Rev. Jeremy Wright, and now this. Apparently, someone has been spreading scurrilous rumors around of a video in which Michelle Obama rants and raves against the White Devil.

Give me a break. This is just another pathetic attempt to portray Barack Obama as an America-hating leftist with a grudge against White people, and it's patently obvious who is responsible.The Obama campaign is attempting to energize the progressive base of the democrat party by making us all believe he's an authentic Liberal.  Frankly, I am ashamed of Sen. Obama for resorting to such dirty tricks to get my vote.

Give it a rest, Obama! You've already clinched the nomination, even despite your total lack of progressive credentials. 

DNC to PAC's, Lobbyists: "No Thanks!"

Our future Vice President, Barack Obama, has declared that neither he nor the Democrat Party will accept any more contributions from federal lobbyists or political action committees. It's a bold and risky move, but Obama is sick of special interests poisoning our democracy and is willing to sacrifice 3% of DNC funding to prove it. No longer will the rich fat cats drown out the voice of The American People as spoken through lawyers, college professors, and Wall Street executives!

I haven't been this proud of the Democrat Party since Hillary vowed to refrain from fishing pennies out of urinals.

Now, will so-called "War Hero" John McCain have the guts to follow Obama's lead and say NO to greed? Or will he simply continue to resort to cheap election-year gimmicks like his silly summer gas tax holiday?

Obama Not Ready to Concede

Well, it appears that Obama has finally locked up enough delegates to put him over the top. So unless he does the right thing and concedes, he'll probably get the nomination.

Many of you are so furious right now that you're threatening to vote for John McCain, just to stick it to the Democrat leadership for cheating our beloved Hillary out of her rightful throne. However, I urge you to reconsider.

I'm not wild about Obama, either, but he's certainly a better choice than that doddering old geezer.  As progressives, we at least can agree with Obama on issues that are important to us. On the other hand, McCain holds radically different views from ours on everything from Iraq to...well, that's about it.  Indeed, electing McCain would be like electing Bush to a third term. I'm sure that's the last thing any of you would want to happen. So it's vitally important that despite our righteous anger over what happened to Hillary, we all rally behind the man whose record and core progressive principles will unite democrats under a banner of hope and change...Senator John McCain!

I mean Obama.

McClellan: "Condi Wouldn't Gimme No Sugar!"

I must first preface this review by clearly stating that I haven't read Scott McClellan's tell-all book, and am therefore every bit as qualified to comment on it as Nancy Pelosi, Barack Obama, or any other progressive blogger out there. But one thing that struck me about Lying for Hitler was McClellan's damning indictment of Condoskeeza Rice, whom he describes as "hard to get to know" and "completely unwilling to give me any sugar."

One would expect Dick Halliburton Cheney (whose daughter is a lesbian) to be cold and unfriendly, or KKKarl Rove to be secretive and distant, but a sistah should have a little more soul.

As Richard Clarke recalled in his own Tome of Truth, when he informed then National Security Advisor that Osama Bin Laden was determined to attack the United States, Rice simply flashed him a "No shit, Sherlock!" expression and hurried off to some silly national security meeting without even bothering to give him some sugar.

Now we learn that McClellan didn't get any sugar, either.

As the first African-American Secretary of State - indeed, the FIRST African-American woman even allowed to enter a Republican White House through the front door - Rice could have prevented Bush's illegal and immoral war in Iraq by simply giving Scott McClellan a little sugar. Instead, she squandered the opportunity by being totally professional to McClellan and Clarke at all times. One only hopes that as more disgruntled Bush staffers pen their own tell-all books, new evidence will emerge of how unwilling to give people sugar Condoleeza Rice really is.

Carbon Rationing...That's Progress!

Progressive Great Britain has announced plans to boldly lead the world back to 1990, and perhaps even further, with a brilliant new idea to ration carbon use. According the plan, the government would issue every British citizen a set amount of carbon credits every year that they could then spend to on fuel for their cars, heat for their homes, or the latest news on Amy Winehouse's weeping, infected scabs. If someone happens to go over their allotted carbon credits, they can purchase more (through an approved carbon-trading agency) from those who lead green enough lifestyles to have extra left over - namely homeless people and bedridden vegetables.

Personally, I think it's a wonderful idea. Through simple rationing, every single person, rich or poor, would be forced to leave the same sized carbon footprint. Then each year, the government could reduce the amount of carbon credits alloted. Before long, the climate would return to normal, the air would be a little cleaner, and everyone would be happily living in mud huts and eating their young.

That's progress!

Unfortunately, the plan may never get off the drawing board. Even in enlightened Europe, people are still too selfish and obsessed with surviving through winter to accept such a revolutionary idea.

"It's got potential but, in essence, it's ahead of its time," laments British Environment Minister Hilary Benn. "There are a lot of practical problems to overcome."

Such as where to pile the bodies, no doubt. But it's a dilemma that other Third World countries have faced for centuries. I'm sure Great Britain could turn to them for advice as it slowly joins their ranks.

Suggestion to Bathe Actually a Thinly-Veiled Attack on My Body Odor

Something happened at last night's meeting of Code: Operation Democracy NOW!.org (an offshoot of Support Our Babykilling Troops*) that I need to get off my chest. In the middle of an impromptu session of tantric sex for world peace, the group leader made an offhand suggestion that "Some people need to make it a habit to bathe regularly and use deodorant".

"How dare you accuse me of being stinky!" I screeched, angrily swatting at a swarm of gnats. "Stop engaging in the politics of personal destruction!" Well, that was a terrible mistake on my part, because then everyone knew that it was I who reeked of cat piss and patchouli.

I'm just glad Hillary and Obama are smart enough to not fall into the same trap.

*But not the war.